Loss.

Lately I have been struggling with the loss I have experienced in life...

Growing up, I didn't have to deal with death.  I had my mom and dad, all my grandparents and close relatives still living.  It wasn't until I was about 16 that I actually had to deal with the pain of some one dieing.  Which was my Great Grandmother.  Such a strong, independent woman.  She had lost her husband, my grandfather, before I even got to meet him.  But still lived.  She was so stylish, an AVON woman.  I loved her style and her shoes.  The way her house always smelt.  Always had pop for us when we came over, which had expired years ago!  When she got sick, she moved in with my Grandma, who took care of her.  She broke her hip and it went down from there.  Though she was late in age, I knew she had lived a good life.  A nurse and a caregiver for almost all her life.  It didn't hit me as hard as I thought, with it being the first real loss I had ever really went through.

But after that, it seemed like I had to deal with death more and more.  A few years after that, my Papa passed.  Also, an unbelievable man.  He had a stroke when I was very young.  Lost the mobility in his arm, and some in his leg.  He pulled through and was able to walk with a cane, though it was hard, he still did everything with us.  Him and my Grandma always took us camping, to movies, the zoo.  So much!  I have so many memories and was so proud of him for not letting something so big take over his life!  When he got sick, I expected him to just pull through.  He was so strong!  When there was nothing else the hospital could do, they sent him home because he said he wanted to pass where he lived.  Not in some hospital bed.  So for days I camped out at his house.   Sitting there, telling stories of him with my family.  All just waiting for life to end for him.  He was still a fighter, it took him days to actually let go.  It happened after he got a call from his brother, his mouth moved as if he was trying to talk back.  The first time he had really moved since being there in his bed.  Within the hour, he took his last breath.  Now let me tell you, at 18 I had never seen something so heavenly, yet so sad.  I smiled, and then started to cry.   It was hard, but I was glad that we were sitting there with him, what a blessing.

At the time I was with someone who had dealt with loss more than I had ever had to.  His biological mother gave him to his grandparents because she didn't want to take care of him.  So naturally he called them his mom and dad.  He lost his mom (grandmother), when he was 19.  The worst thing he ever went through and struggled with everyday.  He was there for me more than I could have asked for.  I appreciated him so much.  Even though we experienced our own loss.  We had been pregnant, and had a miscarriage that year.  It was rough, but I was young and thought that it just happened sometimes.  Which it does.  Not thinking it would happen again, but yet I got pregnant again, and another miscarriage.  What a strain it put on our relationship, to not know if we were going to be able to have children?  So we decided to try the right way.   We wanted to get married.   He proposed on his birthday.  So sweet, to share his day with something so great.   Things got rocky, we went through so  much.  We took a break.  Only after about a month, we realized it was silly.  We loved each other and wanted to make us work.  Then, I found out I was pregnant again.  Scared, because all I could think of was how I had already lost 2 previous babies.  When really I had no clue that there was another death first.  He left one day on his motorcycle, and someone turned out in front of him.  His helmet  didn't save him, and within a few hours he died.

I can't help but to think everyday why I let him leave that day.  Why did he have to go like that?  I was pregnant.  How was I going to do this alone?  The next week was a blur, and it is still hard for me to sit here and think what happened.  After the funeral, I had another miscarriage.  I lost it all, every part of him.  Gone.  I didn't understand, I was confused and honestly, pissed.  (Sorry).  My life at 21 years old felt like it was falling apart, I was supposed to be planning my wedding, and instead I was planning my fiances funeral.

I went down a path I wasn't too proud of.  I drank a lot.  I tried hiding all my pain with alcohol.  Not smart I know, but I lost my house, my fiance, a baby...so much.  I moved back in with my parents and just fell backwards.

I sit here and think of this all.  Think of how after losing so much, I could have ended up a lot differently.  I could have stayed in the bar, wasted my life away.  I have seen people do this, it's not something I wanted to do.  But then I wonder, why did I have to start my adult life with losing so much?   It's a struggle I face everyday.  Mostly fear.  Fear that my husband is going to leave this world too soon, or me.   I stress about my kids daily, have anxiety about letting them out into the real world in fear of something happening to them.  I know, life happens.  I know, that God does have it in control.  But I fear.  That is one of the biggest struggles that I have.

Though I have experienced all this, and do fear, I also am thankful.  Thankful for what I do have.  Because life has thrown me quite a few curve balls, but I have also hit a lot of home runs! 

Hopefully someday, I will fully understand everything.  I know there is a lesson in everything that happens in life, but struggles are so hard to overcome at times!

Carrie