This morning as I am sitting here drinking my coffee and listening to my kids laugh and play, I seem to be irritated. I feel tired today. And not just because I am a tired Mom, because I am tired of struggling...
I know as a young family, in this day and time, it is hard to really start and establish your family. To start saving, buying your own house, cars, things, ect. I know it is not easy, especially with kids. I have given up many things that I may want to do for them. I would never want them to live without anything because I am being selfish. My husband works hard, yet we seem to be struggling more and more. We have recently became "car-less". Which is no fun, I feel stranded and like I have to "depend" on others to do things for me. It drives me crazy! I can deal without going anywhere for a while, but I feel like sometimes, you just need to get out. OR what if there was an emergency???
I try to see the better of the situation, try to see if there is something I am supposed to see. But I still don't. It's been months now that we have been trying to save, trying to buy. We do not have good credit, as we were both not very smart BEFORE we got together and are now trying to fix it together. Cory works so hard. He came home yesterday and told me that there were guys talking about him "working to hard", and that now they would have to work harder because of him. And he was probably cheating anyway. I was mad, I wanted to go to his job and smack those men. He WORKS HARD, and it is a bad thing? Yet, they have cars, they have things because they cheat the "system". Ugh.
I know there is something out of all this that I am supposed to see. I am just struggling, and have been since we haven't really had a means of transportation. I am however grateful for the people that have helped us through these times. Without them, shopping trips, doctors appointments and other trips needed, would not be possible. Thank you!!! :)
Please pray for us, as I know something will change as we continue to work hard for our family to grow.
Carrie
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Taking the time.
Being the busy mom I am, I tend to just try and do it all. Cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, making sure all the normal every day to day things are getting done. Sometimes I look back on my day and wonder how fast it went. Did I take a minute for myself? To just be, or read a book, jump into the Bible and reflect on my day. Most days I do not. And the next day I always say, "tomorrow will be different". But yet, the same thing happens all week. The weeks turn into months.
The whirlwind of work, play, housework, kids, ect...It is so easy to make an excuse to take some extra time. I am reading a book, "The Shack", amazing! But as I was reading a paragraph last night, they were talking about how you are not supposed to put God first, but more like put Him in the center, and let everything orbit around Him. Now how come I haven't thought of this before! Instead of struggling and feeling bad because I didn't put Him first all day. It made so much sense as I read it, I re-read it probably tens times. It made me smile because I had found the words that I needed to hear. Something I had been struggling with. If I make my day sharing it with him, it's exactly what He wants. It still makes me smile. It really made my night!
Yesterday was one of those "eye openers". I struggled with a few things, and ended up getting really upset after my kids went to bed. There were some things about people that I just did not understand. I once again closed up and sat there, mad. Cory was looking at me, and I knew he was, I can tell when he is. He knew I was mad. I didn't want to talk to him, I wanted to turn inside of myself and bottle it all up again. He didn't get up, but sat there and just went "psst". He's so cute when he does this. I know he's going to make me laugh, I didn't want to look...I was being stubborn. But I did..."I love YOU", he says. Now, this happens often when I get upset or mad. He has this way, this way of making me laugh or smile. I pretend like I still want to be, but how can I!? How lucky am I to have a husband that no matter what makes me laugh when I'm sad!? He spent all day yesterday cleaning, helping me prepare for the week ahead. Telling me that he can do things too. I was so appreciative of what he had done for me.
I am so lucky to have him. When I look at him I cannot believe that he is the boy next door. The boy I used to have a crush on. I always wondered what it would be like to be with him. And now I know. I can't believe this amazing man was so close to me my whole entire life. How crazy, but beautiful. I am so thankful for him everyday. That his love, help and parenting doesn't end. He doesn't take breaks, he knows that being a family is an everyday thing. I truly am blessed.
And I def made sure I took the time to thank him for what he did/does for me and his family everyday! Thank you Mr. Lear! :)
Carrie
The whirlwind of work, play, housework, kids, ect...It is so easy to make an excuse to take some extra time. I am reading a book, "The Shack", amazing! But as I was reading a paragraph last night, they were talking about how you are not supposed to put God first, but more like put Him in the center, and let everything orbit around Him. Now how come I haven't thought of this before! Instead of struggling and feeling bad because I didn't put Him first all day. It made so much sense as I read it, I re-read it probably tens times. It made me smile because I had found the words that I needed to hear. Something I had been struggling with. If I make my day sharing it with him, it's exactly what He wants. It still makes me smile. It really made my night!
Yesterday was one of those "eye openers". I struggled with a few things, and ended up getting really upset after my kids went to bed. There were some things about people that I just did not understand. I once again closed up and sat there, mad. Cory was looking at me, and I knew he was, I can tell when he is. He knew I was mad. I didn't want to talk to him, I wanted to turn inside of myself and bottle it all up again. He didn't get up, but sat there and just went "psst". He's so cute when he does this. I know he's going to make me laugh, I didn't want to look...I was being stubborn. But I did..."I love YOU", he says. Now, this happens often when I get upset or mad. He has this way, this way of making me laugh or smile. I pretend like I still want to be, but how can I!? How lucky am I to have a husband that no matter what makes me laugh when I'm sad!? He spent all day yesterday cleaning, helping me prepare for the week ahead. Telling me that he can do things too. I was so appreciative of what he had done for me.
I am so lucky to have him. When I look at him I cannot believe that he is the boy next door. The boy I used to have a crush on. I always wondered what it would be like to be with him. And now I know. I can't believe this amazing man was so close to me my whole entire life. How crazy, but beautiful. I am so thankful for him everyday. That his love, help and parenting doesn't end. He doesn't take breaks, he knows that being a family is an everyday thing. I truly am blessed.
And I def made sure I took the time to thank him for what he did/does for me and his family everyday! Thank you Mr. Lear! :)
Carrie
Friday, November 4, 2011
Busy??
I remember each day that my children were born. The first time, it was so unreal. Was I really going to be a mom? This is it, I officially have someone else to take care of. Another little person in this world, that we had made. Then came number 2! I thought I knew it all, that once I did it once it was going to be the same with another. Boy was I wrong! I then had to adjust to splitting myself two ways. Giving up the things I could do for myself daily that I could not do sometimes with two littles ones, that I put before me! Sometimes, yes, that even means a shower! Which I have come to appreciate more and more!
This brings my next question up...is it OK to just decide one day that you don't think you have to try as hard with your kids?? That you think it is OK that after they have left the house, to not enjoy the rest of your life with them?
I don't think so. And I don't think that I am the only one that feels this way. When I became a mother, I devoted myself to my children for the rest of my life. I am a mother from the second they took their first breath to second I take my last. I can't imagine a day in my life when I don't think about my kids. When I don't look forward to watching them grow from babies to toddlers. Then into the dreaded teenage years. Graduating high school, and then going to college. Finding a soul mate, marrying and having children. I will someday grow not only as a mother, but to a grandmother. I get to see my babies having babies! Starting a family as I did when I was young. Watching them grow into amazing fathers, as my husband is.
I don't think I could ever just stop one day and say, "I put so much time in when they were growing, now I am taking all time to myself". Now I know, it is only natural to have time alone after the kids leave. That is when we start our journey into adulthood. That is when you hold on. When you make sure you keep in touch to help them with their journey. Not abandon them and move on.
As you can tell I am a little touchy with this. I haven't really spoken to my mother in about 3 years. If I have it's been a "hey, how are you" kind of thing. It makes me sick. I have tried and tried. Accepted her for who she is now. Remembering how awesome she was as a mom when we were growing up. And totally not understanding the person she has become. When I say, "Hi I haven't heard from you in a while. How's everything going"? And I get, "Oh good, sorry just been busy". Busy?? With what?? Ugh those words hurt me so bad. So busy, huh. Trysten is growing so much, though he doesn't know who you are anymore. And Dominic, he still hasn't met you. No clue on how amazing they are. How when I am sad, they cheer me up. And when I know they are having a hard time I help them. How I try to be the best mom that I can be even though I can't ever just pick up the phone and talk to my mom because she is too "busy".
BUSY. A word that shouldn't be allowed sometimes. I know, I am guilty of it too. But I try to change it. I know people who have been cut short with their parents. Who don't have a mother or father on this earth anymore and would love just for another minute with them. They didn't get to see their kids grow into the people they are today. Yet, some still take for granted the time they can spend. The time they are missing to do unimportant things. I have done all I can to try and make her see. But I feel like I have come to the end of the rope. I don't know what else to do.
I pray everyday for her to see. To see what she is missing. That if she called tomorrow and said she was sorry and is going to make an honest effort, I would let her. So I am asking, if you are reading this, please pray. She needs it, as do I.
Carrie
This brings my next question up...is it OK to just decide one day that you don't think you have to try as hard with your kids?? That you think it is OK that after they have left the house, to not enjoy the rest of your life with them?
I don't think so. And I don't think that I am the only one that feels this way. When I became a mother, I devoted myself to my children for the rest of my life. I am a mother from the second they took their first breath to second I take my last. I can't imagine a day in my life when I don't think about my kids. When I don't look forward to watching them grow from babies to toddlers. Then into the dreaded teenage years. Graduating high school, and then going to college. Finding a soul mate, marrying and having children. I will someday grow not only as a mother, but to a grandmother. I get to see my babies having babies! Starting a family as I did when I was young. Watching them grow into amazing fathers, as my husband is.
I don't think I could ever just stop one day and say, "I put so much time in when they were growing, now I am taking all time to myself". Now I know, it is only natural to have time alone after the kids leave. That is when we start our journey into adulthood. That is when you hold on. When you make sure you keep in touch to help them with their journey. Not abandon them and move on.
As you can tell I am a little touchy with this. I haven't really spoken to my mother in about 3 years. If I have it's been a "hey, how are you" kind of thing. It makes me sick. I have tried and tried. Accepted her for who she is now. Remembering how awesome she was as a mom when we were growing up. And totally not understanding the person she has become. When I say, "Hi I haven't heard from you in a while. How's everything going"? And I get, "Oh good, sorry just been busy". Busy?? With what?? Ugh those words hurt me so bad. So busy, huh. Trysten is growing so much, though he doesn't know who you are anymore. And Dominic, he still hasn't met you. No clue on how amazing they are. How when I am sad, they cheer me up. And when I know they are having a hard time I help them. How I try to be the best mom that I can be even though I can't ever just pick up the phone and talk to my mom because she is too "busy".
BUSY. A word that shouldn't be allowed sometimes. I know, I am guilty of it too. But I try to change it. I know people who have been cut short with their parents. Who don't have a mother or father on this earth anymore and would love just for another minute with them. They didn't get to see their kids grow into the people they are today. Yet, some still take for granted the time they can spend. The time they are missing to do unimportant things. I have done all I can to try and make her see. But I feel like I have come to the end of the rope. I don't know what else to do.
I pray everyday for her to see. To see what she is missing. That if she called tomorrow and said she was sorry and is going to make an honest effort, I would let her. So I am asking, if you are reading this, please pray. She needs it, as do I.
Carrie
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Thank you!
I would just like to write a thank you to all that have read this so far! All of your positive input and comments will inspire me to write more! And please feel free to comment on them and share your own experiences and troubles! I felt so good after letting some things out. God bless you all!
Carrie
Carrie
Loss.
Lately I have been struggling with the loss I have experienced in life...
Growing up, I didn't have to deal with death. I had my mom and dad, all my grandparents and close relatives still living. It wasn't until I was about 16 that I actually had to deal with the pain of some one dieing. Which was my Great Grandmother. Such a strong, independent woman. She had lost her husband, my grandfather, before I even got to meet him. But still lived. She was so stylish, an AVON woman. I loved her style and her shoes. The way her house always smelt. Always had pop for us when we came over, which had expired years ago! When she got sick, she moved in with my Grandma, who took care of her. She broke her hip and it went down from there. Though she was late in age, I knew she had lived a good life. A nurse and a caregiver for almost all her life. It didn't hit me as hard as I thought, with it being the first real loss I had ever really went through.
But after that, it seemed like I had to deal with death more and more. A few years after that, my Papa passed. Also, an unbelievable man. He had a stroke when I was very young. Lost the mobility in his arm, and some in his leg. He pulled through and was able to walk with a cane, though it was hard, he still did everything with us. Him and my Grandma always took us camping, to movies, the zoo. So much! I have so many memories and was so proud of him for not letting something so big take over his life! When he got sick, I expected him to just pull through. He was so strong! When there was nothing else the hospital could do, they sent him home because he said he wanted to pass where he lived. Not in some hospital bed. So for days I camped out at his house. Sitting there, telling stories of him with my family. All just waiting for life to end for him. He was still a fighter, it took him days to actually let go. It happened after he got a call from his brother, his mouth moved as if he was trying to talk back. The first time he had really moved since being there in his bed. Within the hour, he took his last breath. Now let me tell you, at 18 I had never seen something so heavenly, yet so sad. I smiled, and then started to cry. It was hard, but I was glad that we were sitting there with him, what a blessing.
At the time I was with someone who had dealt with loss more than I had ever had to. His biological mother gave him to his grandparents because she didn't want to take care of him. So naturally he called them his mom and dad. He lost his mom (grandmother), when he was 19. The worst thing he ever went through and struggled with everyday. He was there for me more than I could have asked for. I appreciated him so much. Even though we experienced our own loss. We had been pregnant, and had a miscarriage that year. It was rough, but I was young and thought that it just happened sometimes. Which it does. Not thinking it would happen again, but yet I got pregnant again, and another miscarriage. What a strain it put on our relationship, to not know if we were going to be able to have children? So we decided to try the right way. We wanted to get married. He proposed on his birthday. So sweet, to share his day with something so great. Things got rocky, we went through so much. We took a break. Only after about a month, we realized it was silly. We loved each other and wanted to make us work. Then, I found out I was pregnant again. Scared, because all I could think of was how I had already lost 2 previous babies. When really I had no clue that there was another death first. He left one day on his motorcycle, and someone turned out in front of him. His helmet didn't save him, and within a few hours he died.
I can't help but to think everyday why I let him leave that day. Why did he have to go like that? I was pregnant. How was I going to do this alone? The next week was a blur, and it is still hard for me to sit here and think what happened. After the funeral, I had another miscarriage. I lost it all, every part of him. Gone. I didn't understand, I was confused and honestly, pissed. (Sorry). My life at 21 years old felt like it was falling apart, I was supposed to be planning my wedding, and instead I was planning my fiances funeral.
I went down a path I wasn't too proud of. I drank a lot. I tried hiding all my pain with alcohol. Not smart I know, but I lost my house, my fiance, a baby...so much. I moved back in with my parents and just fell backwards.
I sit here and think of this all. Think of how after losing so much, I could have ended up a lot differently. I could have stayed in the bar, wasted my life away. I have seen people do this, it's not something I wanted to do. But then I wonder, why did I have to start my adult life with losing so much? It's a struggle I face everyday. Mostly fear. Fear that my husband is going to leave this world too soon, or me. I stress about my kids daily, have anxiety about letting them out into the real world in fear of something happening to them. I know, life happens. I know, that God does have it in control. But I fear. That is one of the biggest struggles that I have.
Though I have experienced all this, and do fear, I also am thankful. Thankful for what I do have. Because life has thrown me quite a few curve balls, but I have also hit a lot of home runs!
Hopefully someday, I will fully understand everything. I know there is a lesson in everything that happens in life, but struggles are so hard to overcome at times!
Carrie
Growing up, I didn't have to deal with death. I had my mom and dad, all my grandparents and close relatives still living. It wasn't until I was about 16 that I actually had to deal with the pain of some one dieing. Which was my Great Grandmother. Such a strong, independent woman. She had lost her husband, my grandfather, before I even got to meet him. But still lived. She was so stylish, an AVON woman. I loved her style and her shoes. The way her house always smelt. Always had pop for us when we came over, which had expired years ago! When she got sick, she moved in with my Grandma, who took care of her. She broke her hip and it went down from there. Though she was late in age, I knew she had lived a good life. A nurse and a caregiver for almost all her life. It didn't hit me as hard as I thought, with it being the first real loss I had ever really went through.
But after that, it seemed like I had to deal with death more and more. A few years after that, my Papa passed. Also, an unbelievable man. He had a stroke when I was very young. Lost the mobility in his arm, and some in his leg. He pulled through and was able to walk with a cane, though it was hard, he still did everything with us. Him and my Grandma always took us camping, to movies, the zoo. So much! I have so many memories and was so proud of him for not letting something so big take over his life! When he got sick, I expected him to just pull through. He was so strong! When there was nothing else the hospital could do, they sent him home because he said he wanted to pass where he lived. Not in some hospital bed. So for days I camped out at his house. Sitting there, telling stories of him with my family. All just waiting for life to end for him. He was still a fighter, it took him days to actually let go. It happened after he got a call from his brother, his mouth moved as if he was trying to talk back. The first time he had really moved since being there in his bed. Within the hour, he took his last breath. Now let me tell you, at 18 I had never seen something so heavenly, yet so sad. I smiled, and then started to cry. It was hard, but I was glad that we were sitting there with him, what a blessing.
At the time I was with someone who had dealt with loss more than I had ever had to. His biological mother gave him to his grandparents because she didn't want to take care of him. So naturally he called them his mom and dad. He lost his mom (grandmother), when he was 19. The worst thing he ever went through and struggled with everyday. He was there for me more than I could have asked for. I appreciated him so much. Even though we experienced our own loss. We had been pregnant, and had a miscarriage that year. It was rough, but I was young and thought that it just happened sometimes. Which it does. Not thinking it would happen again, but yet I got pregnant again, and another miscarriage. What a strain it put on our relationship, to not know if we were going to be able to have children? So we decided to try the right way. We wanted to get married. He proposed on his birthday. So sweet, to share his day with something so great. Things got rocky, we went through so much. We took a break. Only after about a month, we realized it was silly. We loved each other and wanted to make us work. Then, I found out I was pregnant again. Scared, because all I could think of was how I had already lost 2 previous babies. When really I had no clue that there was another death first. He left one day on his motorcycle, and someone turned out in front of him. His helmet didn't save him, and within a few hours he died.
I can't help but to think everyday why I let him leave that day. Why did he have to go like that? I was pregnant. How was I going to do this alone? The next week was a blur, and it is still hard for me to sit here and think what happened. After the funeral, I had another miscarriage. I lost it all, every part of him. Gone. I didn't understand, I was confused and honestly, pissed. (Sorry). My life at 21 years old felt like it was falling apart, I was supposed to be planning my wedding, and instead I was planning my fiances funeral.
I went down a path I wasn't too proud of. I drank a lot. I tried hiding all my pain with alcohol. Not smart I know, but I lost my house, my fiance, a baby...so much. I moved back in with my parents and just fell backwards.
I sit here and think of this all. Think of how after losing so much, I could have ended up a lot differently. I could have stayed in the bar, wasted my life away. I have seen people do this, it's not something I wanted to do. But then I wonder, why did I have to start my adult life with losing so much? It's a struggle I face everyday. Mostly fear. Fear that my husband is going to leave this world too soon, or me. I stress about my kids daily, have anxiety about letting them out into the real world in fear of something happening to them. I know, life happens. I know, that God does have it in control. But I fear. That is one of the biggest struggles that I have.
Though I have experienced all this, and do fear, I also am thankful. Thankful for what I do have. Because life has thrown me quite a few curve balls, but I have also hit a lot of home runs!
Hopefully someday, I will fully understand everything. I know there is a lesson in everything that happens in life, but struggles are so hard to overcome at times!
Carrie
My first blog, ever!
As I sit here as a 26, almost 27 (eek!), year old woman, I wonder why things in life have happened. Why did I have a crazy home when I was little? Why did I have to experience loss of my first love, when he was so young? Why is my family so torn? No one talks, there seems to be no love. Which most of the time leaves me feeling nothing but lonely, and sad.
But on the other hand, I am thankful for EVERYTHING that I do have. Which is so much. A wonderful husband, 2 kids and a home that is booming with love! All I can hope for everyday is that I give my kids all the love that they need. Provide for them, and my husband!
Starting this blog, I feel like maybe I shouldn't do it. What if I say too much? Is that ok? Anything I put does not mean I dislike anything or anyone. But I feel like I need to start opening up a bit. I tend to close up, push my feelings back and forget. So maybe this will help me let some things out. Read if you wish and please comment with whatever you feel!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)